“No means no” is what we’ve been taught about sexual assault, but for much of history, and in many legal systems, the law doesn’t ask whether someone said yes. Social stigma, victim blaming, outdated laws, and legal loopholes have made rape notoriously difficult to prosecute, particularly when the perpetrator is a spouse. The result is a system that can further traumatize survivors while discouraging others from coming forward. Governments across the globe are facing a reckoning when it comes to sexual assault, and it’s been a long time coming.

Let’s take it back to 1965, when 17-year-old Franca Viola was kidnapped by her former fiancé, Filippo Melodia, and a group of accomplices, held for more than a week, and repeatedly raped by the group. After she was rescued, Viola was pressured to marry him, which had been Melodia’s plan all along. At the time in Italy, Article 544 allowed a rapist to avoid punishment by marrying his victim, supposedly “restoring” her honor.

Viola refused, becoming the first woman to publicly do so. She pressed charges, publicly stating that she did not love Melodia and would not marry him. In 1960s Sicily, it was radical. Her family faced criticism, social isolation, and many people sided with Melodia. He was eventually convicted and sentenced to prison. Messages of support came from across Italy, including from President Giuseppe Saragat and Pope Paul VI. She went on to marry her childhood sweetheart and have 3 children, but the law that had enabled forced marriages remained in place. Viola became a symbol of a changing Italy, and Article 544 was repealed in 1981.

This is hardly ancient history. A UN report found that in 54% of countries rape laws are not based on consent. France was one of them until Gisèle Pelicot’s case. For nearly a decade, Pelicot’s husband drugged her and invited 72 men to sexually assault her while she was unconscious. Pelicot made the extraordinary decision to waive her anonymity and open the trial to the public, famously insisting that the shame should change sides. She allowed news outlets to publish her name and the court to show videos of the incidents. This was particularly radical considering that 90% of French women who have been raped choose not to press charges.

Her case changed the conversation and eventually the law. France amended its definition of rape and sexual assault to explicitly center consent, which must be freely given, informed, specific, prior, and revocable. Crucially, silence or a lack of resistance cannot, by itself, be interpreted as consent. Despite this progress, marital rape remains ambiguous in many court systems, even within the U.S.

The U.S. has its own complicated history with this distinction. An estimated 10–14% of married women have been raped by a spouse, yet marital rape was not illegal in all 50 states until 1993 (!!). For centuries, the law was influenced by 17th-century jurist Matthew Hale, who argued that marriage amounted to a wife giving her husband “irrevocable sexual consent.” That thinking proved remarkably difficult to erase. Even after every state criminalized marital rape, differences in statutes, evidentiary requirements, penalties, and exemptions meant spouses were not treated the same as other perpetrators. To this day, a majority of states have legal loopholes or certain burdens of proof that must be established. Others choose not to criminally prosecute, qualifying it as a lesser crime than a rape between unmarried people.

Jenny Teeson discovered that in Minnesota in 2017. While going through a divorce, she found videos showing her husband sexually assaulting her with an object while she was unconscious, with their four-year-old asleep nearby. Minnesota law contained a loophole involving people in an ongoing voluntary sexual relationship. Her husband’s felony charge was reduced, and he served less than 30 days in jail. Teeson said, “A rapist is not always a violent stranger. It can happen to you right in your own bed.”  She testified before lawmakers and pushed Minnesota to eliminate the marital loophole. When the legislation passed, lawmakers turned toward Teeson in the gallery and gave her a standing ovation. One woman’s voice changed the law.

We’ve made progress and a growing number of countries have shifted from definitions centered on force or coercion toward ones centered on consent. Unsurprisingly, countries with consent-based rape laws score higher on the Gender Equality Index. Consent shouldn’t be defined by how loudly someone says no, how hard they fight back, whether they know the perpetrator, or whether they married them. In the U.S. alone, a woman is sexually assaulted every 68 seconds. We need to not only question the laws that protect her afterwards, but the systemic devaluation of women that makes it so commonplace to begin with.

The best time to send a follow-up is while the conversation is still fresh. After a meeting, use Wispr Flow to quickly talk through the key takeaways, next steps, or feedback you want to share. It turns your thoughts into polished text, so you can get the follow-up out quickly. 

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If you don’t know Melissa Kim by name, there’s a good chance you’ve sent or received something she helped bring to life. She’s the Co-Founder and CEO of Minted, offering premium cards, invitations, art, and home decor designed by independent artists around the world. And Melissa knows the business from just about every angle: before taking the top job, she led everything from marketing and merchandising to product, engineering, and category management. That deep understanding of what consumers actually want, and a commitment to making everyday things feel a little more special, has helped put Minted on track for more than $300 million in revenue this year.

What’s the worst career advice you’ve gotten?

When I was applying to business school, it involved an interview with an alumni from the school. I was matched with an accomplished female executive and we had an awesome interview. At the end of our conversation, she told me that she thought I was bright and capable, but I needed to change my personality if I wanted to succeed in business. I needed sharper edges and the ability to be the loudest voice in the room. She advised me to pivot into the non-profit world because there, I could stay “nice.” I thought that was terrible advice. She was attempting to be an ally by speaking from her lived experience; she climbed the corporate ladder in a different environment. I was resolved to adapt my style and grow as a leader without abandoning my sense of self.

What’s the best piece of non-obvious career advice you’ve gotten?

A lot of the most pivotal career advice came from work we did with a coach named Shirzad Chamine. He wrote a book called Positive Intelligence, and it's something I rely on as my personal and professional operating system. One point that really resonated with me was about the destructive nature of an endpoint obsession. When you become so fixated on a particular outcome or milestone, you can miss other opportunities and defer happiness until you achieve your desired end point. I've tried to take that perspective with me in work and life, and found it to be freeing.

What was a heartbeat moment for you in your career?

When Mariam Naficy asked me to consider being Co-CEO with her at Minted (Naficy now serves as Executive Board Chairman). She had devoted a large chunk of her life to building the company and only had a few years left with her kids at home. My head told me it wasn’t the right time to take this on: I had two young kids and, like a lot of parents, found some days to be overwhelming. My heart, however, was saying something different. I knew the leap to CEO was going to be daunting, but it was a company I knew inside and out. I already had a team there that trusted and respected me. 

What really tipped the scales was my 2 daughters. I’ve always told them that when it comes to work, they should pursue their passions. I wanted to show them that I was willing to take risks and push myself for what I thought mattered. They witness the choices I make and how I live my life. Hopefully, they take that with them and apply it to their own lives.

Who is one person you’d love to give flowers to from your career that influenced your journey? What advice or lesson did you learn from them?

Early in my career I worked for a corporate strategy group at eBay. I was put on a project in Berlin where we were looking at the German business for eBay. Michael van Swaaij and I were on a team, and throughout our time working together, he would always ask me, “Melissa, what do you think about this?” At the end of the project, he had one piece of advice for me: develop a deep belief that my opinion mattered and to share it more freely. He told me that I did not need to be the loudest or the most forceful voice in the room because the content of what I had to say was important. It changed the trajectory of my career. If I wanted to make an impact, I had to unlearn the habit of relying on external validation. I have an obligation to myself to say something when I think it matters.

Where have you caused some good trouble in your career?

A year out of college, I was working in consulting and got assigned to a pricing study for a tobacco company. My mom's dad died of a heart attack at 39, and one of the factors was that he was a cigarette smoker. I had been opposed to it my entire life, but didn't feel like I could say no because it was early in my career. I finished the project, but since it was an ongoing relationship, I decided to tell my work that I could not continue on with that client. It aligns with something I’ve learned from Shirzad Chamine. He says that when you have a difficult decision, imagine yourself at the end of your life, looking back on that choice. A lot of times, it becomes really clear what to do. Making that decision solidified my belief that even in the name of career or progression, I won’t compromise my values.

Want to nominate a leader you admire? You can do so here.

Zoe Starensier of The Female Quotient weighs in:

Congratulations on landing your dream job! This is such an exciting time and I’m sorry to hear it’s being dampened by fear. What you’re describing sounds like imposter syndrome, and you’re not alone. 82% of people have admitted to suffering from it. Let’s break down your fear to the basics: you’re scared because you care. It’s not proof that you're in over your head. The trick is to not treat your fear as truth. Remember, with every new position there is a learning curve, complete with mistakes and growing pains. Give yourself some time and grace. 

It helps to figure out early what "doing well" looks like. Check in with your manager for feedback along the way, ask questions, and meet with as many team members as possible, both inside and outside your department. And when that "I'm gonna screw this up" voice gets loud, tell it that you’re "putting a pin” in it. While it might take a while for your brain to catch up, in the meantime, know that you’ve worked hard and deserve to be there.

P.S. Got a burning career question? Serve it up here to Dear FQ to score advice from a powerhouse leader in our network.

We used to measure career growth by counting that money, honey. But only 19% of our community said raises and promotions are how they measure progress. The top answer? How confident they feel in their work.

Coming in second at 25% was feedback and recognition. Recognizing wins helps build confidence, and great leaders don’t save recognition for review season; they reinforce growth as it happens. Not every career milestone comes with a new title or bigger paycheck. Sometimes growth looks like trusting yourself more than you did a year ago. And that’s worth celebrating, too.

To closing loopholes…

Xo,

The FQ

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