Eldest daughter support group

We feel seen

Author

The Female Quotient
April 07, 2026 • Estimated Reading Time: 13 minutes

WHAT’S ON DECK

  • Tell Me More: The weight eldest daughters carry

  • FQ Leaders Spotlight: Odessa "OJ" Jenkins, Founder & CEO, Women’s National Football Conference

  • Inside Track: Leaders on the move

  • Dear FQ: I’m about to go on parental leave, and I’m stressed about leaving my team in charge

  • Poll the Pack: How to get promoted

TELL ME MORE

Sisters are doing it for themselves everyone else

Are you an overachiever? Do you have problems setting boundaries? Do you have anxiety? Are all of these questions making you more anxious? If you answered yes, you may have eldest daughter syndrome. While it is not a medical diagnosis, it is a social-emotional phenomenon that many older sisters experience. When marriage and family therapist Kati Morton posted about it on TikTok, her video went viral. Eldest daughters felt seen. Someone knew their experience and it had a name. 

"Eldest daughter syndrome is a term used to describe the emotional weight that eldest daughters often carry in their families," says Sanam Hafeez, Director and neuropsychologist at Comprehend the Mind. Eldest daughters typically have a core set of characteristics: they are Type A, independent, empathetic, high-achievers, and peacekeepers. They often feel a great sense of responsibility to and for the family. They assist in household duties, child-rearing, and being a role model for younger siblings. And as adults, they are more likely to have successful careers in leadership positions. So how did they get this way?

In the early 20th century, Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler developed the birth order theory, the idea that where you fall in the sibling lineup shapes your personality. But in 2015, two separate studies concluded that birth order has little to no impact on personality. Instead, says Louise Tyler, a psychotherapist, “Personality is shaped by a mixture of genetics, upbringing, societal expectations, environment, life experiences, and health. Each child will be born and raised in a specific set of circumstances at any given time in the life of the family.” In other words, it’s complicated. While scientific proof may be lacking for birth order theory, psychologists have *thoughts*.

“Because of the pressures, family expectations and gendered roles placed on eldest daughters, they often grow up as the family’s ‘third parent,’” says psychotherapist Tasha Bailey. That can mean managing siblings, mediating conflict, and even regulating their parents’ emotions, long before they’re ready. Many eldest daughters cite feeling as if their childhood was cut short. One eldest daughter shared, “This occurs because the parents or primary carers are emotionally immature. From birth, the child was born to meet the parents' needs and not allowed to have needs of her own. Common with first daughters, but can also be any child in the family. This child tends to grow up to be the most sensitive and empathetic, due to constant hypervigilance, watching for everyone's emotional regulation.”

And those habits don’t just disappear when she becomes an adult. In adult relationships, she may take on a maternal role, which can cause friction with significant others, friends, and co-workers. They take on more than their share, struggle to set boundaries, and, having been the emotional backbone of the family, they often become the eventual caregiver for aging parents. Over time, constantly putting herself last can lead to anxiety, burnout, and resentment.

And here’s the twist: you don’t actually have to be the oldest daughter to relate. Only children, girls with much older siblings, and even the youngest daughters in certain family dynamics report similar patterns. One woman wrote, “I’m the youngest of ten, and I swear I’m the emotional support sibling. I was the caregiver for my nana and now my parents.” After all, girls step up not because it’s in their DNA, but because society often tells them to do so. 

This isn’t only about sibling order; it’s about how we socialize girls. Birth order theory may not be scientific, but it is cultural. If we want to correct it, we need to examine our own assumptions of gender roles within the home so that daughters can grow up on their own time. 

FQ LEADERS SPOTLIGHT

Troublemakers who don’t fit the mold, and don’t try to.

Looking for a little inspiration? Meet Odessa “OJ” Jenkins, the Founder & CEO of the Women’s National Football Conference. Raised in South Central Los Angeles, OJ went on to become the #1 running back in the world and helped lead Team USA to multiple world championships. But she didn’t stop there. She co-founded the Texas Elite Spartans and later launched the WNFC, the first women’s tackle football league backed by major global sports brands.

Today, OJ is a keynote speaker, coach, and mentor, focused on breaking barriers, building diverse teams, and opening doors for women in male-dominated industries. 🏈 

What’s the worst career advice you’ve gotten?

The worst career advice I've ever received was to say “yes” to everything. When I was in my 20s, I worked at a start-up where I had been given a lot of responsibility, and I was asked to take on duties outside of my job. 

Right after my first big promotion, I had a performance review, and my manager told me that while I was doing those other things well, it was not counting toward my actual role at the company. It was a turning point for me. I realized I shouldn’t say “yes" to everything, but it’s important to be strategic and say “yes” to the things that will get you where you want to go.

What’s the best piece of non-obvious career advice you’ve gotten?

My Aunt Sandra was the most successful woman in my life. I looked up to her and wanted to be like her. After I graduated college, she gave me this very expensive suit and said, “As you go through life, people are going to treat you the way you present yourself. And the clothes you wear are a part of that. So if you want to be taken seriously as a Black woman in the world, you have to think about what you wear.” That advice to dress for the moment has served me well.

What was a heartbeat moment for you in your career?

I was a tech executive when I went to my CEO to see if he would allow me to take a coaching internship at the NFL training camp. It was a scary moment because I had everything I wanted in my current role. I was making good money and helping to build a cool company that was purpose-driven. I knew that by asking to do this internship for 8 weeks, I was potentially risking everything that I'd built. But it was my heartbeat moment because it led me to my purpose. I wouldn't have built this league if I hadn't taken that internship.

Who is one person you’d love to give flowers to from your career that influenced your journey? What advice or lesson did you learn from them?

I’d like to give flowers to Troy Vincent. He's a former NFL player, and now a senior executive for the NFL. He came to our national championship and it was the first time that one of the highest ranking NFL executives came to watch women's football. He taught me about paying it forward and what it means to show up for something you believe in. 

He gave me advice that has stuck with me. He said that it’s easy to get distracted in the world of sports and entertainment, but whatever your main goal is, go all in on what you believe will make it successful.

Where have you caused some good trouble in your career?

I'm causing good trouble in the world of professional football. I believe anyone can do whatever they put their mind to, particularly women and girls.

I’m trying to change women's football through marketing, branding, investments, and bringing in new people, but it hasn’t always been met with open arms. Doing this work is my way of telling the world that they don't get to decide what women and girls do.

Want to nominate a “Troublemaker” you admire? You can do so here.

INSIDE TRACK

Leaders on the move

DEAR FQ

Your burning career questions answered

Hunter Grace of The Female Quotient weighs in:

First of all, congratulations! As someone who is also about to go on parental leave, I understand your apprehension. When you’ve prioritized your career your entire adult life, letting go can feel daunting. 

First, know that you hired your team for a reason. This can be a moment of growth for them, as you’re giving them space to step up, build confidence, and strengthen the team in your absence. Here are some general practices you can put into place to make the transition feel more manageable:

  • Create a simple leave coverage document (like an elevated Out of Office) that tracks key projects, owners, timelines, and escalation paths.

  • Start the handoff conversations early, both with your manager and people that report directly to you. Integrate these chats into your weekly one-on-ones, so there is continuous, open dialogue instead of a stressful scramble right before you leave.

  • Introduce coverage gradually by looping your team into calls and email threads. This way, both internal and external stakeholders become accustomed to the team mentality, and your team, in turn, feels supported.

Shift your mindset so that you don’t think of it as dropping everything, but handing off a baton. Laying groundwork like this will give you peace of mind. Remember, the most important thing in this situation is you and your little one. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime window to truly unplug and be present. So take a breath, step back, and enjoy the time with your new family. You (and your team) got this!

P.S. Got a burning career question? Serve it up here to Dear FQ to score advice from a powerhouse leader in our network.

POLL THE PACK

Want the promotion?

We’ve all been there. You’re at a certain point in your career and eager to get to the next step. The people who get promoted are often the ones already operating at the next level. They’re not waiting for the title; they’re already demonstrating the judgment, ownership, skills, and strategic thinking the role requires.

So where to begin? The key is upskilling. In other words, get so good they can’t ignore you or do it without you. 

That means stepping outside your current responsibilities and asking, “What does success look like one level up?” Think about where you could improve and what will help you get there. Trust is built when you consistently demonstrate you can think, decide, and execute at that level.

So instead of asking, “How do I get promoted?”, try asking, “How can I start acting like the person who already has this role?” Titles tend to follow proof.

Eldest, middle, youngest, we see you 👯‍♀️

Xo,

The FQ

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